Why It’s So Important to Know What You Want
What do you want?
I was recently reading about NASA’s Artemis 2 mission to the moon, and marvelling at what an incredible feat of human engineering that is.
In order to get into orbit, they have to be exact in their launch timing, speed, and trajectory. To actually reach the moon, they must execute a perfectly calculated translunar injection, guiding the spacecraft across a vast distance to intersect with a moving target in space. The margin for error is incredibly small.
I thought, there really isn’t much the human mind can’t do when it is clear on what it wants.
That’s why when people come to see me, the very first question I ask them is some version of “what do you want?” In other words… where are you going? What’s your moon?
Most of the time, I am met with a blank stare, or a “that’s a good question…I don’t know…” Then, in an attempt to answer the question, they proceed to tell me what they don’t want.
“I don’t want to be anxious”
“I don’t want to binge eat”
“I don’t want to doom scroll”
“I don’t want to be so critical”
It always surprises me that even people who have previously spent years in therapy rarely have a clear picture of what they want.
The problem with this is that if you don’t know what you want and why it’s important to you, you’ll continuously be sucked down by the gravity of your problems. You’ll always end up where you don’t want to be.
As the old saying reminds us, “where attention flows, energy goes.”
The Law of Reverse Effect
The thing is, the brain is very bad at thinking in terms of negation. If I tell you not to think of a pink elephant, what do you do?
You think of a pink elephant.
So when you think about all the things you don’t want, you can’t help but create images and movies of these things in your mind. And when you do, you usually react to it in some way that keeps the pattern going.
In psychology, this is known as ‘the law of reverse effect’, or ‘ironic process theory’.
If you think, “I don’t want to have a panic attack”, what do you do? You think of panic attacks. That then leads you to the memory of that bad panic attack you had a few years ago, which makes you anxious, and then it just spirals.
Or you think, “I don’t want to smoke, why do I smoke…” Of course, all you’re doing is thinking about smoking, which makes you feel like a cigarette.
“I hope the plane doesn’t crash.” “I don’t want to say the wrong thing.” “I’m going to try not to eat chocolate tonight.” … you get the point.
By thinking about what you don’t want, and then reacting to it, you are indirectly reinforcing that behaviour.
The brain functions a bit like an algorithm - it doesn’t care what the content of thoughts or emotions is - it will keep giving you whatever it is you keep reacting to. The brain goes, “Oh, s/he keeps reacting to these anxious thoughts… it must be important; let’s give him/her more of these anxious thoughts.”
People can spend years stuck in this place - thinking, talking and analysing who and what they don’t want to be, eventually even building an identity around it.
It’s such a simple but costly trap to fall into.
The Way Out
By getting clear on what you want (and why that’s important to you), you’re giving your brain something else to focus on - you’re breaking the feedback loop you have with the negative thoughts.
Instead of thinking about what you don’t want, you’re looking to the moon… thinking about how to build your rocket and how many boosters you’ll need.
It’s hard to overstate how powerful this very simple shift in focus can be, because over time, it can completely change the contents of your mind and the trajectory of your life.
A powerful question to ask yourself is: “With the absence of [insert problem], what would my life be like?” Who would you be? What would you be doing? And who with? What would you see, hear and feel? And why would your life be better as a result?
And then simply begin to align yourself with that life.
I recently had a client who came in with anxiety. He spoke with a stutter and didn’t like to make much eye contact. When I asked him the magic question, “What do you want?” he had the usual response of answering with what he didn’t want: a negative mind, the sense that no one liked him, a fear of making mistakes, an urge to avoid leaving the house, etc.
The next 40 minutes consisted of me responding with “Yes, I understand what you don’t want… but what do you want? In the absence of this anxiety, what would you get up to?”
Eventually, a beautiful picture started to form… he spoke about how he wanted to get in touch with his friends, pick up cycling and dance classes again, go on bush walks, get a part-time job, and maybe start dating… and how if he did that, he would be so incredibly fulfilled again.
During this time, his entire demeanour changed… keeping eye contact, speaking much more confidently and coherently, making jokes, with a big smile on his face.
And as is so often the case, he became motivated to change… he became motivated to take action in that direction - to call a friend, get his bike out of the shed, check for jobs, and so on.
And simply engaging with the life he truly wanted began to resolve many unwanted patterns…Because he wasn’t fixated on his anxiety anymore, he wasn’t feeding it through his reactions… his attention was now elsewhere - on something better.
He was heading to the moon!
Do you know what YOU want?
